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August 22, 2011 -
If you cheat, are you looking for a way out?

My girlfriend of five years wants to wait until marriage to have sex. I've had several partners before, but I respect her decision because she's worth waiting for, and my soul mate.  

   We're both ambitious; she's in university in a different city and will then train in her field. We see each other on weekends. We've discussed marriage, and buying a house together when she's done school, and I've saved enough money.

        Meanwhile, I recently met a woman through a job. There was immediate chemistry. She recently left a long term relationship and knows of mine, yet we decided to sleep together.

   We both saw it as a good idea because I haven't had sex in years, and she isn't interested in dating or a new relationship. It's happened four times, but we've both agreed to stop before it becomes more serious.

    I know I behaved selfishly, yet part of me doesn't feel guilty. Now I'm contemplating what my life might be like without her - scary, but sometimes it feels freeing. If I confess what I did, it'd probably end our relationship.

    Should I bury the secret? Should I tell her and accept the consequences? Or, did I check out of my relationship when I slept with this other woman, and should I leave my girlfriend?

Anonymous

 



The final answer must come from within you. If you're strongly motivated to confess, it's a clue that you do have half a foot (and other parts) out the door of this relationship. You may've been trying to live up to moral values you don't truly share.

   And you don't feel the level of guilt that compels you to re-commit by confessing and begging your girlfriend to forgive you.

   So keep silent while you work out just how "freeing" you find the idea of breaking up. Or whether you need to tell your girlfriend of your need to have sex with her to keep the bond between you while apart.

 



I'm a female university student with a male best friend. It's purely platonic love. Yet professors, staff members, even perfect strangers, assume we're going out though we don't act like anything more than friends.

   My biggest concern is that these annoying suspicions will affect our friendship. Recently, my friend learned his friends and classmates are inferring things from the social-media reference about our best-friend-ship, back in his VERY "conservative" home country.

  He was upset and erased references to us on this site and asked if I'd do the same.

    Some people have said, "don't hang out with him so much if you don't want these assumptions," but we're best friends! I don't understand what people are seeing in our platonic behaviour!!!
    What can I do to ensure people know we're NOT romantically involved? I know this may seem trivial but I'm so fed up with nosy comments, it's wearing on me.

So Annoyed!

 



Yes, this does seem trivial, when compared to all the serious, complex relationship issues people write me about.

   So here's the answer that cuts through all your overwrought reaction to social commentary: Either keep your hanging out with your pal more private, or understand that public behaviour (even platonic) invites public opinion.

   People love to gossip. Those who hate to be gossiped about learn to be discreet about anything that matters a lot to them. Try it, and you may see a difference.... such as, no one really caring that much whether you're really just platonic friends.

 



I saw this guy after splitting with my boyfriend of one year. This other guy was a rebound. Everything happened so fast - I met his family; we promised unrealistic plans for the future. It was infatuation.

    I broke up with him and he's devastated. A month later, I've kept my contact minimal, ignoring calls and emails, hoping he'd move on.
   Now his mother's in hospital, very sick. He said that if I loved him, I'd be there for him. I don't love him, but I wish his family well. During our brief relationship, I was sick and he was there for me.
   I want to say nothing, just hope that he'll grow stronger from this. Your thoughts?

Stuck

 



He's the one who's stuck, but a month isn't long. Stay distant, send his mother a sincere get well card, you don't owe him more than expressing hope for her recovery.

 



Tip of the Day:

When you cross the commitment line, ask yourself whether you're breaking away on purpose.

 

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