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April 20, 2010 -
Confront him on cheating - his answer will reveal all

Q-My husband of four years and I (both early-30s) love each other, communicate well and have similar goals and enjoyments. We make love two-to-three times a week. He’s loving, tender, intelligent, wonderful … a keeper.
      Recently, I received an anonymous email on my Facebook from a blocked account so I cannot respond. It said it was common knowledge my husband was having an affair with a co-worker and I should follow and/or question him regarding his whereabouts the next weekend.     
      He’d said he’d be taking an out-of-town client downtown for dinner. I followed him. I sent him an email “from home” asking how long he’d be out. He replied, they’d stay at the restaurant a couple of hours more to talk over drinks.    
      I received that email while sitting in a friend’s car, watching him drive away from the restaurant. There followed three hours when he wouldn't answer his texts. Back home, he said they stayed at the restaurant. So he lied.    
      That’s not proof to confront him. I can't check his phone as it’s work-issued and password protected and he’s acting no different than before. Our credit card and banking records show nothing unusual.     
      I hate the idea of sneaking around and prefer to confront him, but now I know he’s capable of lying. I don’t want to leave him. Should I follow him when he says he’s working overtime?
      - Heartbroken

Go with your better instinct: Confront and communicate.Your “proof” is his lie. That alone has eroded trust. Mention the anonymous email. Tell him you don’t want to split up, but you can’t live with suspicions. You must know why he’d lie to you, and why someone would tell you he’s cheating.    
      If he doesn’t respond in a way that feels completely open, say so. But don’t demean yourself by following him. Soon enough, if he’s cheating, there’ll be evidence. If he’s not, he’ll do everything in his power to have you believe him.

My fiancée is Jewish and I was raised Catholic. My family has accepted him with open arms and he celebrates Christian holidays with us. In our two years together, we’ve not been invited to any Jewish holiday dinners/events.    
      I told him this is unfair of his family. I’m very open and accepting of his background and we celebrate all of the holidays in our own home (we plan to raise our children accepting both religions).     
      He spoke with his father who said it’s because we live 45 minutes away, I’m not Jewish and the family doesn't think I’m interested.    
      How can I prove to them that I am interested and think their exclusion is unfair?
      - Left Out

Show your interest: Send Jewish holiday cards at Passover, Chanukah and the High Holidays in the fall. While you see these people as “unfair,” they’re more concerned about their son dropping his Jewish identity that is important to them from the perspective of their faith and their history.    
      If you truly intend to raise children knowledgeable in both religions, you’ll both need to learn about the others’ faith more than just by saying so. His parents (and yours, too) will feel more at ease if you each read and consider taking some instruction in the other belief system.     
      That kind of effort will show both sides that you’re sincere and thinking beyond the promises of young lovers about living as a mixed-religion couple.     
      Many such couples are happy with this choice, but not all in-laws on either side can adapt and accept it easily.

My mom and aunt got into a huge fight 18 months ago, and stopped talking. At Christmas, we heard my aunt was pregnant. She never told us herself.     
      My younger sister was very hurt that my aunt didn’t make any moves toward a relationship with us, her nieces. I want to be a part of her life, but don’t know when my mom and aunt will make up. What can I do?
      - Upset with Drama

You probably already know from your own experience that sisters sometimes fight and usually make up. It’s not your job to “fix” this rift, but neither should your mother make you be part of it.    
      Explain to her that you’re not taking sides, but you did not fight with your aunt, and should not have to stop talking to her. Don’t push any contact with your aunt in your mom’s face, but try to stay neutral during this time.

Tip of the Day: Confront about cheating - the truth will eventually emerge.

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