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May 20, 2008 -
She's hanging onto you as Mr. Right Now

For six months, I’ve been dating a wonderful girl who isn’t fully divorced yet. I’ve fallen in love with her. 

Yet, she says she’s in love with her ex, won’t introduce me to friends or co-workers, and she’s lied numerous times about chasing other men online, and offline. 

She always comes back says she loves me; she’ll change. We spend four nights a week together. 

Her ex has moved on, and they sign papers soon, but she says she wants to find Mr. Perfect, and that I might not be the one. Still, she won’t let me go. 

I feel lost and despondent when she rejects me, especially after a romantic night together. 

Should I break it off and let her see that no man is perfect?

- Not So Perfect

Walk away. Otherwise in exchange for your weekly four nights of sex, you could end up with years of hell if she “settles” for you. 

She’s far too flawed to ever recognize the perfect man for her. She’s deceitful, restless, and insensitive to your feelings by hanging onto you as Mr. Right Now. 

Of course, the divorce is contributing to her frenetic and selfish behaviour. But the only way you’ll ever know if she’s changed is to break off for at least six months. 

If you decide to try again, be wary that she isn’t just “filling time” again.

My friend, in his 60’s, is having a relationship with a girl, 25. He says they’re in love, and that the young woman has no problem with the age difference. 

My friend has a beautiful home, is well-connected and very social. How do I help him realize that she’s taking advantage of him for what he provides?

- Concerned

All relationships have some element of people needing what the other provides, whether it’s love, emotional support, and/or material benefits. If your friend is of sound mind, he’s capable of taking his risks on the woman he loves. 

Stay mum: let time reveal the outcome.

I love my mother-in-law, but she’s always on our case to get along with my sister-in law and brother-in-law. 

Three years ago we invited them over for Christmas. When my sister-in law learned what I was serving for dinner, she and her family refused to come. She didn’t call to tell me, my mother-in-law did. 

When the couple had their 25th wedding anniversary party, I went because of my husband. We were placed at a table with strangers, not with the family. 

There were other hurtful incidents, so we haven’t talked to each other in a long time. 

Now my mother-in-law’s living with them because of health reasons and we don’t see her much either; or she drills my husband when he visits alone, about not seeing his family. 

He makes up excuses, instead of supporting me and saying they have hurt me so badly.

- Very Offended

Your husband IS supporting you by not visiting his own family much, even his mother. 

There’s been hurtful incidents, but there’s now more to think about: Your mother-in-law won’t be around long and her hurt at family disunity and her son’s absence is at least as significant as yours. 

Rise above your sister-in-law’s nastiness; she may be envious, insecure, or just plain difficult. You don’t have to become best friends… try and be civil, visit your mother-in-law, and to lighten the atmosphere, take her out for a while too. 

It’s worth a try.

While I was dating an older man, I discovered he was seeing a married lady during our first five months. I broke off, but he kept coming back. 

He says he loves me. 

I did take him back a year ago, but I can’t trust him. 

Recently, I heard him recognized and described as, “That’s the man who always has two women on the go.” 

I check his cell phone regularly, there’s nothing unusual on it. 

He lays his head at my house every single night. 

How do I learn to trust him?

- Unsettled Feeling

Test him: Ask for a commitment beyond nightly benefits. If he won’t move to a next stage – engagement to marry, or him moving in permanently – it’s time to turn the porch light off, and sleep alone. 

Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for constant checking up on him, worrying and feeling insecure - NOT enjoying your relationship.

Tip of the Day: It doesn’t bode well for a relationship, if you have to convince someone to “settle” for you.

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